Inject Yourself With Colorful Poison - It's Fun!

A European Commission study discovers pitfalls in the art of tattoos. Read this column to discover the pitfals of the European Commission
For those of you who think that the idea of personal beautification involves injectilng colorful ink into your skin, I have got some news. According to The European Commission (which, suspiciously, can be re-arranged to spell "I, Moe, soon spun a crime"), the dyes used in tattoos can be extremely harmful to one's health. Additionally, there are no laws regulating the requirements of germs in the dyes.

This seems to be the cause for great concern over in Europe, where as most of you Americans probably know, France is located. France is a wonderful place to visit, because it makes you appreciate the fact that you live in the United States, where we have the every day freedom to use deodorant and anti-perspirant. But this is not about France. This is about people whose three working brain cells do not attempt to prevent them from having a stranger permanently engrave a ghastly picture on their skin with a hot needle. And Europe wants to protect these people. This is absurd. Of course you have heard about Natural Selection. That is where, using our natural brains, we select French-Canadians to be dropped in vats of acid. But another less-known definition of Natural Selection is the method by which weaker and sicker species are eliminated by their predators, thereby keeping a species fit and healthy. But by protecting stupid people, The European Commission is dismantling this process, effectively poisoning our already tainted gene pool.

Now, before you tattoo lovers out there start hiring hit men (whose tattoos, although the size of bull elephants, only cover small portions of their biceps), let me explain. I am not here to mock, scorn, or ridicule you. No, those words are probably too difficult for you to understand. I am here to MAKE FUN OF YOU (read it slowly if you still don't grasp the meaning of this sentence). I feel that by searing that red rose onto your neck, or that picture of a bracelet around your ankle, you are destroying your body. I do not find it surprising that there are dangerous substances such as automobile paint in tattoo dyes. These substances probably kill even more of your good brain cells, leaving only several fragmented cells which are too feeble to stop such impulses as "Hey! Let's go and pay someone to inject us with hot needles and contaminated paint!"

Uh oh, wait a minute, you tattoo fans out there are probably getting all defensive. You are probably thinking, "No, I go to a professional – one who is very safe and careful." That is great. So you are part of the fractional minority. But that doesn't improve things. Let me ask you a simple question: Why do you get tattoos? Because they look nice? Because they make people respect you? That is ridiculous. First of all, they look disgusting. And you can't tell me that's just my personal taste, because I have no taste. Secondly, if you think people respect you for your tattoo, let me carefully translate the illusion: They respect you in the same manner they respect apes and clowns. They respect you like the circus freak who hammers nails through his nose. Aside from professional athletes and musicians (which you are NOT), when was the last time you met a rich person with a tattoo? And even if such people do exist, think about how much more money they would be making without these hazardous chemical implants.

So don't think you are expressing your individuality with a grotesque picture on your flesh. You are still conforming. You will always be a conformist, and you can never escape it. The only difference is, with your tattoo, you are now conforming to freaks and lowlifes. Individuality is a sham. With six billion people in the world, you will never be truly unique. Get over it. Be normal. Get a head start on your slow-start life, by jump-starting it with conformity. You will find that you can even get a better job this way. Not so surprisingly, managers are less reluctant to hire a person who is not compelled to sporadically express his or her bizarre attempts at independence. But don't thank me. Thank the European Commission. And don't forget the guys who put automobile paint in the tattoo dyes.

About the Author

Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.

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